No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The feeling are messing with the penis
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
