life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
