we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
