Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
