i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
All I want is dick and wine.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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