i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
