dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
