My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No subtext here. People are naked.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
