If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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