it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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