new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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