vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
