My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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