can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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