she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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