I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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