and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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