I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
