ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
