I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
