No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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