I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
