My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
