Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
