I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My dad is sitting where you rode me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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