I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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