Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Houston, we have a blender
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
