Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
