She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
