I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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