That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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