I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
