i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
