You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
