I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
