I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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