You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
