i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
