I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
