: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
