phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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