I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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