I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
