sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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