I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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