"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
They are going to name an STD after you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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