i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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