Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
