Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
