she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
