he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
