I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
