therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
