Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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