It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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