I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
