Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
