I met the friendliest cop last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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